• Crass Merrymaking in the West Highlands

    LOSS RATIOS EXPLAINED.  As well as depression related shop-lifting, an abyss of deepness opened, distress flowed up through the slough, and our cousins came to stay for the weekend.

    This did not effect the overall performance of the Economy, which suffered only a minimal amount despite the high volume of unhappiness.

  • Gordon 'Turkey' Drummer

    After inventing the fish finger, Gordon 'Turkey' Drummer established himself as a major player in the breaded food market. Now he is returning with a new line.

  • Karl Jaspers Gig Announced

     

     

     

     

  • Naff Dress Code

    Naff Dress Code


    True Dinner


    "Potomas Porch", "Horsey House" and "Lama Lodge" are still available

    FLIGHT PATHS OF MAJOR AIRPORTS

    Germane Auditories, Obverse Excuses for exploitation,

    (with Minor devils)

    And being a flourishing branch of the noble family of, we will also be performing


    (with all night)


    Bones, Hairs, Nails and Teeth

     

  • Pathetic-que

  • Plan Your Summer Parties

    Now is the time to decide if you're going to host a super summer party, and if you are, you should make sure that your guests RUE THE VERY DAY they ever showed up at your house.

    And who better to give you tips to make yours the most unpleasant invitation in town, than Alison Weekend Cutlette, party organiser to the clinically depressed.

    Here, exclusively for readers of peterburnett.info, the woman who designed Sir Elton John's wonderful 1997 suicide attempt, offers some original ideas guaranteed to create a fabulous whimper to highlight the summer gloom.

  • Recent Email Log

     

     

  • Scary Hype Announcer!

    troll

    SCARY HYPE ANNOUNCER - BRAND NEW INTERNET VERSION 3.0

    A shimmering new way of presenting information is invented each week, and this week, from the frayed basket of cyber-clichés, comes the new Scarey Hype Announcer which will soon be fitted to all windows inside and out!
    Using the special Mind (of Isaiah) Action Console you will be able to make yourself appear on somebody else's computer screen, like in TINYCHAT.
    Gimmicks in this new experience will include virtual fingers  which you can contentedly wave at ANYBODY ON THE PLANE, as well as a first-rate servicing and support network, and an online selection of SNARK if your own reserves of SNARK should ever fail you.
  • Shit Said Sean

     

    "Shit" said Sean as he grappled with the little girl, "I was only trying to give you a lift home, and now you run away into the woods like this."

    And as the school bell rang, Sean attempted to pick her up from the ground, but she said to him: "My daddy and his friends hurt people like you, mister."

    And then Sean did say "SHIT" again, except louder, for they were from Glasgow, which frightened him.

    And then gritting his teeth, and reddening in the shame of his sextagenarian lust, Sean thought very quickly:

    Oh no! I've floundered in the woodies,
    Handling now the student goodies,
    For my obsession grows with fanny
    I am ashamed! A filthy mannie!

  • The Highway Code

     

    The Three Cardinal Rules of THE HIGHWAY CODE are * :

     

    1.    Wave your arms in order to get the driver to slow down.

    2.    Drivers : try not to cram your mouth with pies while driving. You will not be able to speak on your mobile phone.

    3.    Always follow the car in front unless they are driving right at you.

     

    TRAIN RIDE: Some tea some tea with milk and sugar, the ticket inspector's holstered Lüger, this is the Mirror that carries the man back to his day in Aberdeen or Heyford way, that chap must fly across the land on moral rails you understand, to get his whooshing scenr'y hiss, to spray the chunties with his piss, to Berwick with his postal order presenting cheques to cross the border, fleeing from well-set Edinburgh where wank perfection's always thorough where croissant shaped the city style where minkers line the Royal Mile, he bumps through England now upon the train INSANE! he now believes!

    IN THE MAIL: Several brochures saying that a twelve year anti corrosion warranty, together with major service intervals and a comprehensive customer care package could all be yours, provided you chose the right of 2 lands (Romans 10 to 9 "Believe it with your Head" ) put your sexual chocolate on the market and inflate your sunken rib-cage in order to opt for the burred wood gear lever knob and the Votex 7 spoke alloy wheels, the colour keyed front and rear bumpers and front centre arm rest, all included but all exclusive of fleet management fees, sales assistance and leaseback.

    * A full range of credit facilities are available, ranging from Death on a Stick to Purloin Purchasing agreements linked to a variable Finance House base rate, using current Shit Adjustment Tables, while you operate your vehicle privately, and go mental at the wheel, allowing you great peace of mind, and a wide choice of mileages, to satisfy your rampant outward urge, as you attach yourself firmly to the aluminium trim strips, opt for retractable rear centre lap belts, front bumper integrated rear screen aerials, Sienna upholstery, Competition-Standard alloy nut and beef toppings, and automatic handbag release.

  • The Last Mince Pie in Aberdeen

    Aberdeen Journal, 31st August 2037:

    The suburb of Gilcomston, which last week fell to the Gibleteers (one time of Holburn), is to be destroyed this evening at 6PM. The last team of arbiters, which left the area at noon on the 30th, complained bitterly at the state to which the citizens of "unoccupied” Aberdeen have been reduced.

    "It stands to reason," said Chief Moderator Frunkie Meldrum, "that when one section of a populace lay claim to such a large proportion of the pies, the rest will begin to bray for blood."

    And this is exactly what has happened. Mothers yesterday welcomed the move, and "single-operative-parents" (SOPs) gathered from Kittybrewster and Garthdee, to stone and to boo/hiss the Gilcomston population after it is herded out after the rout. Several mothers' groups have been calling for the storming of Gilcomston for some weeks now. "Aboot fichen time ken," said Dana Hattons, ex of The Corther. “Wir kids hae nae hid nae pies fir weeks and at's shite."

    For the last 4 weeks the lack of mince pie in the Northeast has been critical, and Angus Dung-dee Substitute has proved unpopular with the people, who have largely refused to even feed it to their dogs (although the kids don't seem to mind). Aberdeen Football Club's benefit single "Our Goad is Mince" (B side : Billy Dodds’ Avatar sings : Mincey-Wincey Spider) raised funds to feed Tullos Academy pies for school lunches, for one week, but with the price of meat now exceeding the price of bus fares, even charity is uneconomical.

    "Rumour is they've struck mince," said A. A. Milne of Texaco Drilling Co. "We for one sold them twenty million pounds of chopped onion." But the controversy will rage no longer, and arbitration has reached the dead-end field at the fuck-end of bad behaviour, and the Militia move in at 6PM.

    "They'll absail down St Nicholas House," said Special Dowser Barney "Premium Cut" Sillerton, "and break through the cordons at Wolmanhill Hospital. The troops will stage a faked move on the Old Age Compound erected at Rosemount, and while this is going on, the Beef Dump will be drained by our special Cornhill Crack Squad, using only straws."

    Should the raid be successful, and the peoples of Gilcomston routed, then we could once again be enjoying our pies," said Councillor Alwyn Lamb (age 6).

    In the meantime, experiments continue. Scientists are working on a new substitute known as Diced Forfar Briney, and the last cow is to be auctioned at the Beach Ballroom, in a special ceremony tonight, hosted by Nicki Campbell IV (under the armed protection of the Beef Volunteer Reserve Force).

  • West Lothian Drugs Park

     

    "It came from the sky like a Hun in a trail of blue pish towards us faster than a shot of smack to the final section of the large intestine."

    In August last year, Mr Baxter Dunders of Glasgow suffered a severe heart attack while visiting the West Lothian Drugs Park. He was discharged from Hunbridge hospital two months later, and from that day until his death at the New Year, Mr Dunders was in very frail health and required to be nursed by Lorenzo Amaruso, drinking three litres of Sunny Delight each hour, and pissing clear blue meths.

    He passed away to be the Lord, one of  the greatest advertisement for the Drugs Park, and remains in the memory of the authorities, one of the greatest burdens there has ever been on the British taxpayer. Sinewless, and generally greeting, Mr Dunders found respite at the West Lothian Drugs Park, from where he was never turned away. Unlike his local pubs in Proddieston, Sounesburn and Anthemdale, The West Lothian Drugs Park offered the isolation required for Mr Dunders to expel all the carnality and anxiety from the heart of his alcoholic shopping bags. Visitors to the Drugs Park can still see the Shopping Bag, but are strongly advised to bring their own carry out.

    Sandram Lewis Dunders : "While walking at the Park his body was united with the smack, and his pain and anxiety left him. Which the Lord, the righteous Judge, shall give me at that day : and not to me only, but unto all them also that love their ecky"

    (2 Tim. 4:8)